I’m sorry I’m sick…..

Do you know how many times a day I apologize for being sick? It’s too many to even count ๐Ÿ˜”….I hate feeling like I’m a burden to any/every one. People always tell me I’m not, but there actions say different….

So I had to go back to the hospital on Wednesday because I was having this weird sensation in my chest…I didn’t know if I was being overly paranoid or if something was wrong. So I call my cardiologist around 12/1ish. They called me back after 5 (good thing I was not dying, right!!!) and of course they told me to go in & get checked…let me tell y’all how I tried my darnest to get out of going to the hospital….I promised to go first thing in the morning & told her how much I hated going in……..didn’t work though.

So….”I’m sorry, I’m sick”….

Get to the ER and everybody is all over me..putting leads on my chest, taking my blood pressure, drawing blood, asking me 1,000 questions, sticking IV’s in my arms…..whew….this all happened in about 5 minutes…(you now must know I didn’t go to St. Joseph’s I went to Skyridge..hopefully where I can go from here on out.)

Again, “I’m sorry for being sick”…….

So after all my test they come and tell me that my blood is waaaayyyy to thin & that I needed to be seen by my primary doctor the next day. (Nooooo not another appointment). I ask them about my numbers and they tell me my levels should be between 2-3…okay…..mine was 8.8!! What’s that mean? If I were to get any cut on my body I was at risk to bleed out! HUH??? Yep!! If I had a bloody nose or seen blood when I go to the bathroom…I could be bleeding internally ๐Ÿ˜ณ.

Sigh…..”I’m sorry for being sick”……

I’m grateful that I did go to the hospital….who knows what could have happened! unfortunately, I’m still not feeling good & may have to go back in….

Sorry………

(It’s hard to believe by just looking at me I’m this sick….. Never judge a book by its cover….The cover may look beautiful but when you open it up you see how the pages have been ripped, dirt & oil on them & just a mangled mess. Or you could have a book that the cover is beaten, dirty and just ugly….. But when u open it you see the book is beautiful & looks brand new…)

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(Still being me & silly…..this look was done to celebrate my Denver Bronco’s AFC West Championship!!!)

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Can you imagine……my broken heart

Finally home after 4 days in the hospital, part of me wishes I would have stayed there. It’s very stressful being back home. Nobody to check my blood, check my vitals and bring me food…(well maybe not the food it was gross).

I’m so nervous about my heart that I’m over reacting to every small little thing….I mean who wouldn’t?? The doctor tells me that my heart is really failing now, over the last 13 years I guess it’s just getting tired. An average persons heart works at 55%. My poor heart is down to 20%. The lowest it’s ever been.

Can you imagine going into the hospital for a blood clot in your lung (which can be fatal)..and then take a test to see how your heart is doing and then all of a sudden nobody is thinking about the clot!!! It’s sooooo bad that they tell you, if you don’t improve with all these new medications…you may need a defibrillator in your heart…and if it doesn’t get better you may need a heart transplant??

Can you imagine…….feeling so alone and sad? Unable to cry in front of your family because you want them to be strong?? I regret that because I’ve held it in until now and as I’m typing and crying my eyes out, I realize that I should have let them in. I now know that they don’t realize how severe my condition is….how much I need each & everyone of them to help me fight….to help me out.

I wasn’t in the hospital for a broken nail!! My heart is failing AND I have a clot in my lung!!! How more severe can it be??? And of course if I die people will say how they cared and loved me…and bring flowers to my family…I won’t need it then !!! I NEED LOVE NOW!!!!!

One of the top problems of my heart is being stressed out all the time!! So I need my flowers now while I can smell them, not when I’m dead and gone….Sorry to be so emotional….just being honest. I know I don’t look sick but know you know the truth.

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A very new journey…..

Sitting here in the hospital feeling a little better โ˜บ๏ธ. (In case your wondering why I’m in the hospital (day 3) is I have a blood clot in my lung and I’m in heart failure…very bad failure. Ejection fraction should be 50-55% and mine is only 20%. I’m not overly worried about it, I’m here getting the meds and help I need.) So I had an aha moment! I realize that this is my journey and I’m going to share it, maybe it can help someone or maybe not.

I started this blog when I was doing optifast and felt like I needed to share my experience and be encouraging & inspiring. Some how though I lost my way……… I wanted to be sooo inspiring to other people that I forgot to inspire myself.

With that said, I’m going to re-start this journey. I may encourage one person, or maybe none…but at this point in time I need to encourage ME. Here is where I can be myself. Sometimes I regret people knowing who I am because that’s the fear that kept me away. I didn’t want people to…..hmm, judge me. ๐Ÿ˜‰

I realize that every time I hit “post” I’m sharing it with the world. The very sad thing about it is, strangers seem to be more encouraging than people I see all the time! But….I just don’t care anymore. I am ME and you can either take ME as I am or keep it pushing. I’m not trying to offend anyone either….I am just trying to be ME. (“Sanging”the Mary J. Blige song lol)

Annnnnyyyyywwwaaayyyyy….I’m sitting here thinking about my life and how I coulda, woulda, shoulda…and realize……that’s a huge waste of time!! (And unnecessary stressor, I have enough, thank you very much).

1. Yes I could have slept with my C-Pap machine 5 years ago when I got it (maybe even 7 years ๐Ÿ˜ณ) but I didn’t.
2. Yes I could have kept up with tracking my diabetes.
3. Yes I should have been exercising and keeping my weight down.
4. Yes I should have seen the cardiologist more.
5. Yes I could have taken my meds better.
6. One of my biggest issues….I could have learned to deal with my STRESS adequately!!

And so on and so on….the fact is…I can’t whew I wish to God there was change anything I did yesterday. I can take note of my mistakes and pray not to make the same ones…and to grow from them.

SO having said all of that…today I will: (and only today, not worry or be anxious of tomorrow, Jesus said “Who can add one cubit of your life by worrying about the next day”. Matthew 6:27.)

1. Do my bible reading.
2. Keep track of what I eat. (Write it down).
3. Keep track of my blood sugars & pressure.
4. Enjoy today.
5. Hug & kiss my family
6. Smile

(If you are reading this I hope and pray you have a great Saturday) ๐Ÿ™‚

J.Marie

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