A Big Breakup

You guys know that I share a lot about myself to you ….so why should this be any different…. Sigh….. Breakups are just so hard…..

I’m so ashamed and embarrassed….. I hate to cheat, so it’s over!!
Meet my new boos…..(Disclaimer…this really is my emergency stash lol….shhhh don’t tell anybody! It’s Only on those days when I can’t commit a murder I really need it. Lol!!

I hope after you read this you smile and laugh…and then I want you to give yourself a big hug from me to you. I thank you for reading this!
With Lots of love & laughter,

(Please know this is all in fun 😜)

J
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A little bit about me….

I’m a JW, married mother of three. My husband is my Breath, my life, my King, my soul, my heart ❀️. My three children are my actual heartbeats and complete me. JD-22, ZD-16, & my baby ZR-14. (I also have a nephew & two nieces who are my little baby heartbeatsπŸ’“) ….I’ve decided to take a break from my pity party and focus on my health and the love of my family.

Oh yeah I can’t forget my other “babies” Sophie is my spoiled little dog 🐢 and Rozay is my grand puppy who is extra spoiled too LOL!

I was doing good when I blogged about my health before so here we go….I tend to get into a depression rut, which leads to discouragement and then leads to chocolates…..and lots of them. (Shhh it’s our secret don’t tell my hubby about my stash lol 😜)

Thank you for coming with me on this personal journey. Thanks so much for your support.

J

Dear J…..age 18

Dear J,

I wanted to first tell you how much I love you….you really are a good person. At this age in your life you have made some mistakes…but don’t allow the mistakes to keep you sad and break your spirits…. Learn from your mistakes and do better…

One day you will be a mother and a wife and have 3 beautiful children. Cherish every second of them because one day…too soon, they will grow up. Hug them and play with them as much as possible. Always tell them (and show them) how much you love them….tell them everyday.

Please take care of your health, it seems like you don’t have anything to worry about now because your young and healthy……trust me, it will change. Keep exercising, stop eating so much junk food, try to cook at home and experiment. Taste new foods, explore wine and different cuisine.

Please, please, please listen to your dad when he try’s to teach you about money….having a savings account, and a rainy day account, a I don’t have to ask daddy for money account. 😜 and monitoring your credit score is sooo very vital!! If you don’t have cash, it’s simple……you can’t afford it!!! πŸ’°πŸ’³πŸ’Έ

As for a relationship with a man, be very, extra careful with your heart. You have a beautiful heart and spirit, make sure he has one too. You have a tendency to like beautiful things on the outside but find the insides are empty and everything is dirty, broke, old and rotten.don’t match the face, it’s only a mask…… If he doesn’t show you love and respect…..he’s NOT the one. Don’t worry the right one is just around the corner….πŸ’•πŸ’•

In summary J, be a good woman, a good friend and prepare to become a great wife and and a mother…..

I love you J,

Sincerely, J

Six weeks and counting…

Ok these last six weeks have been beyond crazy. Can you believe I’m still struggling with the pain… Seems so surreal to me 😞.

Hopefully I’ve posted my other blog that I wrote weeks ago and your all caught up…. (Yeah, I know..who do I think I am lol).

So let’s begin….I have been very tired and stressed out. I’ve been dealing with discouragement and depression. Way more than normal…and if I hear one more person say “well you look good” I’m going to snap!! I know that people are just trying to be nice but just say something like “sorry to hear that, or my thoughts are with you….” Anything but that look good comment.

Geez!!!!!!

Sigh….sorry. Unfortunately, I think that my doctors think that. “Well she doesn’t look like she’s in pain”. The cardiologist told me that he can’t refill my pain meds because they feel like a person shouldn’t require them at this stage. HUH?? 😳😳😳😳 says who??? So I have to go to my primary care doctor who decides this would be a good time to get me off pain meds? For real??? 😳😳😳 they just don’t know how fortunate they are that I’m a Real Christian.

The old girl wants to come out & play 😁😁…prayer has kept her away. (So grateful for that Holy Spirit)!

I just don’t get the medical field. You know I’m in pain and that I already deal with chronic pain…..why in the heck would you change my meds in the middle of this storm?

Sigh….. Anyway this has been an experience I wouldn’t want anyone to have to go through.. It’s 3:00 in the morning and I’m up dealing with the pain as usual. I have three incisions and none of them like it when I lay down. Honestly there’s not much they do like. The worst is riding in the car…ugh!! I’m pretty sure Colorado has the most pot holes in the world!! 😁 ok maybe not the entire world but that’s what it feels like to me. Lol

So that about sums up my last 6 weeks…I’ve only went out 3 times, that wasn’t for a doctor appointment. I did get to see one of my little Ha!! He’s like 6’5 or something..like a giant lol cousins get married…it was a beautiful wedding and I had fun.

Hopefully and prayerfully my next post will be nothing but positive, happy, up building & encouraging words. Ummmm no strike that I know my next post will be all those things because I have hope and Faith

(And thank you for reading this….if u read this can u please leave me a comment telling me where your from? Sometimes it tells me if your in Canada or South America…just for fun. Also if you would like tell me what you think about this blog.)

Thanks everyone!!!
J

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This is me and my “lil” cousin the groom lol…if u know me u can see the pain in my face…but I wouldn’t have missed it for the world….it was still fun and I stayed in my 4 1/2″ heels the whole time lol 😜! (I also ended up in the bed for 3 days after…..whew, it’s like Beyonce says..pretty hurts πŸ‘ πŸ’…πŸ‘ πŸ‘ )

1 week, 2 days post op…

Side Note- I actually wrote this way back when and I decided to post it anyway.

Life with a new device….

Can I just tell you guys how much pain I’ve been in 😁….ohhhh weeee it has been a roller coaster of emotions!! First I’m mad, then I’m grateful, then I’m sad and boo hooing every 5 minutes or I’m laughing uncontrollably over something that’s really not that funny….whew….yes, I know I have issues lol.

Ok, so I was scheduled to receive a defibrillator on Friday the 25th (of April, in the year 2014 in case y’all didn’t know. I’m beyond nervous about the procedure but hey I figure my mom has one and my daddy has a pacemaker and if they old behinds can do it, I got this!! so surely I can be strong & have Faith…

However, one of the nurses called and asked me to come in 2 hrs before I was scheduled…and I tell her “sure…okay..no problem” meanwhile every other part of me is screaming “Girl….What the hell-o kitty have u got us into now!!!!???!?”

So long story short (no seriously, don’t u hate when people say that after a 2 hour story and they actually think it was quick 😱) I was asked in early to try out a new form of the surgery…I was told that it would be my doctors first time doing the surgery and it had been out only about 2 years so I said “sure”. No kidding guys, I actually said “sure” and this was way before they gave me any drugs.

My husband and my mom both said to get the older model, it’s been around much longer, only one incision, a battery life of 8-10years…. The new device only has a 5 year battery life, it doesn’t act also like a pacemaker, it’s only there if your heart stops to restart it. It was almost double the size of the other. So you may be thinking why the heck I didn’t choose that one…makes u scratch your head as I’m typing I’m thinking yea crazy and wonder why..

I’ll tell you why…the old way they actually go in and connect the lines to your heart,
The procedure was expected to be around 2hrs and I would be able to go home the following day….Yeah Right. It turns out I was in there a total of 6hrs & stayed in the hospital for 4 days.

It’s been a rough recovery, one of my incisions has started to leak and I had to go back in and they cleaned it out and applied a new dressing. I have to change the dressing everyday…hoping it doesn’t get infected and that one day…very soon I pray I can take a shower again…..aaaaahhhhh

An update of me….

Hey guys, it’s been another minute since I’ve posted anything. I’ve been thinking & praying about what I should do….so I decided to continue this journey with you. πŸ™‚

Well in the last three months that you haven’t heard from me, there’s been a lot going on. I got pneumonia TWICE, was on enough antibiotics to save a small country! They have again changed my medication (doubled it), and I had another echo.

Before I had the echo (they gave me 3 months) I was told if it’s not better they would recommend the defibrillator. So two days after my echo I get the call…it’s actually my doctor……… *Sigh***** Now I’ve been his patient for four years & he’s never called me so right away I knew.

Sooooo, long story short I’m getting the defibrillator installed, put in this Friday the 25th. I’m only suppose to stay one night so I should be home Saturday so you can send me cards, flowers & money 😊 if you want to visit me…….Ooh or you can send me lives on pet rescue lol, I’m addicted!! (Don’t judge me lol).

I’m sharing this so you can send the money, flowers, cards & lives with you for encouragement, prayer and love… I want everyone in my family to know I love them & that I’m not lazy …I’m just enduring each day…and I’m grateful to have each & everyone of you in my life.

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This is what heart failure looks like…….. Everybody (and I do mean Everybody, doctors & nurses) always say “you look too good to be sick”.

That’s because I’m beautiful dang it……sigh…..curse this beauty lol. Just kidding!! or am I, hmmmmmhahaha

Thanks for continuing on my journey with me!

A very new journey…..

Sitting here in the hospital feeling a little better ☺️. (In case your wondering why I’m in the hospital (day 3) is I have a blood clot in my lung and I’m in heart failure…very bad failure. Ejection fraction should be 50-55% and mine is only 20%. I’m not overly worried about it, I’m here getting the meds and help I need.) So I had an aha moment! I realize that this is my journey and I’m going to share it, maybe it can help someone or maybe not.

I started this blog when I was doing optifast and felt like I needed to share my experience and be encouraging & inspiring. Some how though I lost my way……… I wanted to be sooo inspiring to other people that I forgot to inspire myself.

With that said, I’m going to re-start this journey. I may encourage one person, or maybe none…but at this point in time I need to encourage ME. Here is where I can be myself. Sometimes I regret people knowing who I am because that’s the fear that kept me away. I didn’t want people to…..hmm, judge me. πŸ˜‰

I realize that every time I hit “post” I’m sharing it with the world. The very sad thing about it is, strangers seem to be more encouraging than people I see all the time! But….I just don’t care anymore. I am ME and you can either take ME as I am or keep it pushing. I’m not trying to offend anyone either….I am just trying to be ME. (“Sanging”the Mary J. Blige song lol)

Annnnnyyyyywwwaaayyyyy….I’m sitting here thinking about my life and how I coulda, woulda, shoulda…and realize……that’s a huge waste of time!! (And unnecessary stressor, I have enough, thank you very much).

1. Yes I could have slept with my C-Pap machine 5 years ago when I got it (maybe even 7 years 😳) but I didn’t.
2. Yes I could have kept up with tracking my diabetes.
3. Yes I should have been exercising and keeping my weight down.
4. Yes I should have seen the cardiologist more.
5. Yes I could have taken my meds better.
6. One of my biggest issues….I could have learned to deal with my STRESS adequately!!

And so on and so on….the fact is…I can’t whew I wish to God there was change anything I did yesterday. I can take note of my mistakes and pray not to make the same ones…and to grow from them.

SO having said all of that…today I will: (and only today, not worry or be anxious of tomorrow, Jesus said “Who can add one cubit of your life by worrying about the next day”. Matthew 6:27.)

1. Do my bible reading.
2. Keep track of what I eat. (Write it down).
3. Keep track of my blood sugars & pressure.
4. Enjoy today.
5. Hug & kiss my family
6. Smile

(If you are reading this I hope and pray you have a great Saturday) πŸ™‚

J.Marie

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