I’m sorry I’m sick…..

Do you know how many times a day I apologize for being sick? It’s too many to even count 😔….I hate feeling like I’m a burden to any/every one. People always tell me I’m not, but there actions say different….

So I had to go back to the hospital on Wednesday because I was having this weird sensation in my chest…I didn’t know if I was being overly paranoid or if something was wrong. So I call my cardiologist around 12/1ish. They called me back after 5 (good thing I was not dying, right!!!) and of course they told me to go in & get checked…let me tell y’all how I tried my darnest to get out of going to the hospital….I promised to go first thing in the morning & told her how much I hated going in……..didn’t work though.

So….”I’m sorry, I’m sick”….

Get to the ER and everybody is all over me..putting leads on my chest, taking my blood pressure, drawing blood, asking me 1,000 questions, sticking IV’s in my arms…..whew….this all happened in about 5 minutes…(you now must know I didn’t go to St. Joseph’s I went to Skyridge..hopefully where I can go from here on out.)

Again, “I’m sorry for being sick”…….

So after all my test they come and tell me that my blood is waaaayyyy to thin & that I needed to be seen by my primary doctor the next day. (Nooooo not another appointment). I ask them about my numbers and they tell me my levels should be between 2-3…okay…..mine was 8.8!! What’s that mean? If I were to get any cut on my body I was at risk to bleed out! HUH??? Yep!! If I had a bloody nose or seen blood when I go to the bathroom…I could be bleeding internally 😳.

Sigh…..”I’m sorry for being sick”……

I’m grateful that I did go to the hospital….who knows what could have happened! unfortunately, I’m still not feeling good & may have to go back in….

Sorry………

(It’s hard to believe by just looking at me I’m this sick….. Never judge a book by its cover….The cover may look beautiful but when you open it up you see how the pages have been ripped, dirt & oil on them & just a mangled mess. Or you could have a book that the cover is beaten, dirty and just ugly….. But when u open it you see the book is beautiful & looks brand new…)

(Still being me & silly…..this look was done to celebrate my Denver Bronco’s AFC West Championship!!!)

Jan 13

Can you imagine……my broken heart

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Finally home after 4 days in the hospital, part of me wishes I would have stayed there. It’s very stressful being back home. Nobody to check my blood, check my vitals and bring me food…(well maybe not the food it was gross).

I’m so nervous about my heart that I’m over reacting to every small little thing….I mean who wouldn’t?? The doctor tells me that my heart is really failing now, over the last 13 years I guess it’s just getting tired. An average persons heart works at 55%. My poor heart is down to 20%. The lowest it’s ever been.

Can you imagine going into the hospital for a blood clot in your lung (which can be fatal)..and then take a test to see how your heart is doing and then all of a sudden nobody is thinking about the clot!!! It’s sooooo bad that they tell you, if you don’t improve with all these new medications…you may need a defibrillator in your heart…and if it doesn’t get better you may need a heart transplant??

Can you imagine…….feeling so alone and sad? Unable to cry in front of your family because you want them to be strong?? I regret that because I’ve held it in until now and as I’m typing and crying my eyes out, I realize that I should have let them in. I now know that they don’t realize how severe my condition is….how much I need each & everyone of them to help me fight….to help me out.

I wasn’t in the hospital for a broken nail!! My heart is failing AND I have a clot in my lung!!! How more severe can it be??? And of course if I die people will say how they cared and loved me…and bring flowers to my family…I won’t need it then !!! I NEED LOVE NOW!!!!!

One of the top problems of my heart is being stressed out all the time!! So I need my flowers now while I can smell them, not when I’m dead and gone….Sorry to be so emotional….just being honest. I know I don’t look sick but know you know the truth.

Jan 11

A very new journey…..

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Sitting here in the hospital feeling a little better ☺️. (In case your wondering why I’m in the hospital (day 3) is I have a blood clot in my lung and I’m in heart failure…very bad failure. Ejection fraction should be 50-55% and mine is only 20%. I’m not overly worried about it, I’m here getting the meds and help I need.) So I had an aha moment! I realize that this is my journey and I’m going to share it, maybe it can help someone or maybe not.

I started this blog when I was doing optifast and felt like I needed to share my experience and be encouraging & inspiring. Some how though I lost my way……… I wanted to be sooo inspiring to other people that I forgot to inspire myself.

With that said, I’m going to re-start this journey. I may encourage one person, or maybe none…but at this point in time I need to encourage ME. Here is where I can be myself. Sometimes I regret people knowing who I am because that’s the fear that kept me away. I didn’t want people to…..hmm, judge me. 😉

I realize that every time I hit “post” I’m sharing it with the world. The very sad thing about it is, strangers seem to be more encouraging than people I see all the time! But….I just don’t care anymore. I am ME and you can either take ME as I am or keep it pushing. I’m not trying to offend anyone either….I am just trying to be ME. (“Sanging”the Mary J. Blige song lol)

Annnnnyyyyywwwaaayyyyy….I’m sitting here thinking about my life and how I coulda, woulda, shoulda…and realize……that’s a huge waste of time!! (And unnecessary stressor, I have enough, thank you very much).

1. Yes I could have slept with my C-Pap machine 5 years ago when I got it (maybe even 7 years 😳) but I didn’t.
2. Yes I could have kept up with tracking my diabetes.
3. Yes I should have been exercising and keeping my weight down.
4. Yes I should have seen the cardiologist more.
5. Yes I could have taken my meds better.
6. One of my biggest issues….I could have learned to deal with my STRESS adequately!!

And so on and so on….the fact is…I can’t ~~whew I wish to God there was~~ change anything I did yesterday. I can take note of my mistakes and pray not to make the same ones…and to grow from them.

SO having said all of that…today I will: (and only today, not worry or be anxious of tomorrow, Jesus said “Who can add one cubit of your life by worrying about the next day”. Matthew 6:27.)

1. Do my bible reading.
2. Keep track of what I eat. (Write it down).
3. Keep track of my blood sugars & pressure.
4. Enjoy today.
5. Hug & kiss my family
6. Smile

(If you are reading this I hope and pray you have a great Saturday) 🙂

J.Marie

May 13

What I’ve been up too….hmmmm

It’s been a minute…ok weeks! :)

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Hey guys how are you?? You may or may not wonder what happened to me or where I disappeared to :).

Well here’s the deal…I’ve been in heart failure for 12 years (shock & awe I know) along with the fibromyalgia, diabetes, sleep apnea and on on.

Soooooo….here’s a short version of my long story 🙂

As you know, I was doing well, working out staying on my optifast products…then one day…BOOM!! All of a sudden I’m having these strange pains in my stomach….turns out I’m having problems with my gall bladder (it’s evil & it’s trying to destroy me). Sooo again, after weeks of being in and out of the ER and the doctors office, I see a surgeon who FINALLY tells me YES indeed I need surgery…

I can’t tell you how happy I was to hear that…then I had to be cleared for the surgery, uhh oooh,here comes trouble! I find out my heart is failing again and my heart cannot withstand a surgery 😦 so in short I have to just live with this pain….(until they get my heart functioning better, hopefully).

On another side I can’t be on optifast right now or even exercise 😦 it’s been a long blurry month…I’m on more medications and I’m on oxygen…they’re in the process of getting everything adjusted. So for now I’m extremely tired, in pain and dealing with a lot of emotions, but I always have faith!!! It’s been really hard,but……… I’m still here & I’m still smiling 🙂

Come check out my Facebook page…FacesByJ.Marie

I think this blog will become my sounding board for what in going through…not so much about my weight but my life.

Jan 26

Busting out of the comfort zone

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Hey all, I’ve decided to broaden my horizons on my journey. Losing weight has slowly started to bring me back to things I used to love but lost because of the weight….

I’ve always loved fashion, heels, jewelry, make up and all things pretty lol :). Unfortunately, when you start to gain weight you start to lose interest in those things….but…it’s all coming back!!

My new love is doing make overs! I love being able to transform people & make them feel pretty…especially me. I even entered a contest on Facebook… A HUGE deal for me…putting myself out there for the world to judge….at the moment I’m losing lol but I don’t care, I’m going to keep my head up high and continue to do things I love….and it has nothing to do with food!! Aaah (stretches my arms out in a relaxing position) feels good to have something else to do besides eat!

Finally looking in the mirror and seeing ME!! It’s like watching the transformations on the Biggest Loser after they have their make over week…it’s like wow, that person was in there hiding all the time in their comfort zone….

(Here’s a picture of my entry, can’t wait to share more lol)!!

Jan 25

Before & after

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Just wanted to share a picture with you guys…it’s been a minute since I’ve posted so I wanted to share this with you…I still have about 30 more pounds to go, but I’m going to just celebrate this new body and not complain or expect more right now…

I just entered a make up contest and this is one of my pictures I took…can’t believe it’s the same dress as the bottom picture 🙂 I’m very proud of myself and I hope this will inspire others!!

Jan 05

Breaking up is so hard to do…..

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I’ve loved you for so long….we have this terrible love/hate relationship and I can’t do it anymore… I wrote you a letter a few weeks back but somehow I let you wine & dine me back into this terrible relationship. You beat me, you kick me, you mock me and you make me hate myself at times…this relationship has to end now!!! I just can’t do it anymore!! I do know that if I stay in this relationship one day you ARE going to kill me, and I have too much to live for..

This relationship is a typical example of domestic violence…..the sad thing about it…it’s with food.

(I actually wrote this last week but didn’t post it…thought I’d share, maybe it will encourage someone else too…please know I’m in no way joking about domestic violence! Me and my doctor talked about this vicious cycle that people with eating problems go through & she likened it to an abusive boyfriend and that’s when I wrote this….)

Can you relate?

Dec 25

A little humor

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I’m not sure if I told you all how I’ve been feeling for a few weeks now….well on a Facebook page I found this picture and it says everything that I’m feeling :).

Lol….having shared that with you all I can say is that I have not met any of my exercise goals this week…but hopefully, I can get back on track. Changed my meds so hopefully I can sleep again at night….we all know how important it is to get a good nights sleep to help us all out..helps with stress, over eating, and chronic fatigue.

Soooooo tonight I’m praying for that blissful sleep to help me endure all of these aches & pains. Good day/night to you all. 🙂

Dec 22

A way back to happiness

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After the tragedy in Newton last week I fell into a depression….it was such a sad tragedy and I felt so completely helpless and my heart literally ached for those families. After much prayer I can say I’m feeling better…

Unfortunately, I kind of went back to some bad ways and looked for comfort in food. Of course I didn’t find any in it and it actually made me feel worse. Stomach cramps, bloating, gas and nausea..ugh so not worth it!! My fibromyalgia was inflamed and I was in pain, unable to sleep and irritable.

So one night ~~morning~~ at 3am I began to write in my journal and I just kept writing and writing and then I said a prayer…then I was able to fall asleep and reflect.

Food does not comfort me, GOD does!! I’m a very spiritual woman and I draw my strength from the bible….a beautiful letter written to me by my Father, and it hits me…the bible says not to “over eat, or be overly anxious”. Which is exactly what I’ve always done….sadly. 😦

So the last few days I’ve been drawing my strength and determination from the bible…and I’ve been able to get back to eating right….the kids are on their winter break so lots of temptation everywhere but all I’ve had besides my optifast is fruit & popcorn(my kryptonite lol).

We went to the mall yesterday and I went into a regular ~~skinny~~ women’s shop and I tried on some jeans….and they fit 🙂 I actually had to have a moment ~~dropped it like it was hot!!! Lol~~ in the dressing room….a size 12!!!

Oh yeah I’m on my way…..where? Back to happiness!