1 week, 2 days post op…

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Side Note- I actually wrote this way back when and I decided to post it anyway.

Life with a new device….

Can I just tell you guys how much pain I’ve been in 😁….ohhhh weeee it has been a roller coaster of emotions!! First I’m mad, then I’m grateful, then I’m sad and boo hooing every 5 minutes or I’m laughing uncontrollably over something that’s really not that funny….whew….yes, I know I have issues lol.

Ok, so I was scheduled to receive a defibrillator on Friday the 25th (of April, in the year 2014 in case y’all didn’t know. I’m beyond nervous about the procedure but hey I figure my mom has one and my daddy has a pacemaker and if they old behinds can do it, I got this!! so surely I can be strong & have Faith…

However, one of the nurses called and asked me to come in 2 hrs before I was scheduled…and I tell her “sure…okay..no problem” meanwhile every other part of me is screaming “Girl….What the hell-o kitty have u got us into now!!!!???!?”

So long story short (no seriously, don’t u hate when people say that after a 2 hour story and they actually think it was quick 😱) I was asked in early to try out a new form of the surgery…I was told that it would be my doctors first time doing the surgery and it had been out only about 2 years so I said “sure”. No kidding guys, I actually said “sure” and this was way before they gave me any drugs.

My husband and my mom both said to get the older model, it’s been around much longer, only one incision, a battery life of 8-10years…. The new device only has a 5 year battery life, it doesn’t act also like a pacemaker, it’s only there if your heart stops to restart it. It was almost double the size of the other. So you may be thinking why the heck I didn’t choose that one…makes u scratch your head as I’m typing I’m thinking yea crazy and wonder why..

I’ll tell you why…the old way they actually go in and connect the lines to your heart,
The procedure was expected to be around 2hrs and I would be able to go home the following day….Yeah Right. It turns out I was in there a total of 6hrs & stayed in the hospital for 4 days.

It’s been a rough recovery, one of my incisions has started to leak and I had to go back in and they cleaned it out and applied a new dressing. I have to change the dressing everyday…hoping it doesn’t get infected and that one day…very soon I pray I can take a shower again…..aaaaahhhhh

An update of me….

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Hey guys, it’s been another minute since I’ve posted anything. I’ve been thinking & praying about what I should do….so I decided to continue this journey with you. πŸ™‚

Well in the last three months that you haven’t heard from me, there’s been a lot going on. I got pneumonia TWICE, was on enough antibiotics to save a small country! They have again changed my medication (doubled it), and I had another echo.

Before I had the echo (they gave me 3 months) I was told if it’s not better they would recommend the defibrillator. So two days after my echo I get the call…it’s actually my doctor……… *Sigh***** Now I’ve been his patient for four years & he’s never called me so right away I knew.

Sooooo, long story short I’m getting the defibrillator installed, put in this Friday the 25th. I’m only suppose to stay one night so I should be home Saturday so you can send me cards, flowers & money 😊 if you want to visit me…….Ooh or you can send me lives on pet rescue lol, I’m addicted!! (Don’t judge me lol).

I’m sharing this so you can send the money, flowers, cards & lives with you for encouragement, prayer and love… I want everyone in my family to know I love them & that I’m not lazy …I’m just enduring each day…and I’m grateful to have each & everyone of you in my life.

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This is what heart failure looks like…….. Everybody (and I do mean Everybody, doctors & nurses) always say “you look too good to be sick”.

That’s because I’m beautiful dang it……sigh…..curse this beauty lol. Just kidding!! or am I, hmmmmmhahaha

Thanks for continuing on my journey with me!

I’m sorry I’m sick…..

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Do you know how many times a day I apologize for being sick? It’s too many to even count πŸ˜”….I hate feeling like I’m a burden to any/every one. People always tell me I’m not, but there actions say different….

So I had to go back to the hospital on Wednesday because I was having this weird sensation in my chest…I didn’t know if I was being overly paranoid or if something was wrong. So I call my cardiologist around 12/1ish. They called me back after 5 (good thing I was not dying, right!!!) and of course they told me to go in & get checked…let me tell y’all how I tried my darnest to get out of going to the hospital….I promised to go first thing in the morning & told her how much I hated going in……..didn’t work though.

So….”I’m sorry, I’m sick”….

Get to the ER and everybody is all over me..putting leads on my chest, taking my blood pressure, drawing blood, asking me 1,000 questions, sticking IV’s in my arms…..whew….this all happened in about 5 minutes…(you now must know I didn’t go to St. Joseph’s I went to Skyridge..hopefully where I can go from here on out.)

Again, “I’m sorry for being sick”…….

So after all my test they come and tell me that my blood is waaaayyyy to thin & that I needed to be seen by my primary doctor the next day. (Nooooo not another appointment). I ask them about my numbers and they tell me my levels should be between 2-3…okay…..mine was 8.8!! What’s that mean? If I were to get any cut on my body I was at risk to bleed out! HUH??? Yep!! If I had a bloody nose or seen blood when I go to the bathroom…I could be bleeding internally 😳.

Sigh…..”I’m sorry for being sick”……

I’m grateful that I did go to the hospital….who knows what could have happened! unfortunately, I’m still not feeling good & may have to go back in….

Sorry………

(It’s hard to believe by just looking at me I’m this sick….. Never judge a book by its cover….The cover may look beautiful but when you open it up you see how the pages have been ripped, dirt & oil on them & just a mangled mess. Or you could have a book that the cover is beaten, dirty and just ugly….. But when u open it you see the book is beautiful & looks brand new…)

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(Still being me & silly…..this look was done to celebrate my Denver Bronco’s AFC West Championship!!!)

Can you imagine……my broken heart

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Finally home after 4 days in the hospital, part of me wishes I would have stayed there. It’s very stressful being back home. Nobody to check my blood, check my vitals and bring me food…(well maybe not the food it was gross).

I’m so nervous about my heart that I’m over reacting to every small little thing….I mean who wouldn’t?? The doctor tells me that my heart is really failing now, over the last 13 years I guess it’s just getting tired. An average persons heart works at 55%. My poor heart is down to 20%. The lowest it’s ever been.

Can you imagine going into the hospital for a blood clot in your lung (which can be fatal)..and then take a test to see how your heart is doing and then all of a sudden nobody is thinking about the clot!!! It’s sooooo bad that they tell you, if you don’t improve with all these new medications…you may need a defibrillator in your heart…and if it doesn’t get better you may need a heart transplant??

Can you imagine…….feeling so alone and sad? Unable to cry in front of your family because you want them to be strong?? I regret that because I’ve held it in until now and as I’m typing and crying my eyes out, I realize that I should have let them in. I now know that they don’t realize how severe my condition is….how much I need each & everyone of them to help me fight….to help me out.

I wasn’t in the hospital for a broken nail!! My heart is failing AND I have a clot in my lung!!! How more severe can it be??? And of course if I die people will say how they cared and loved me…and bring flowers to my family…I won’t need it then !!! I NEED LOVE NOW!!!!!

One of the top problems of my heart is being stressed out all the time!! So I need my flowers now while I can smell them, not when I’m dead and gone….Sorry to be so emotional….just being honest. I know I don’t look sick but know you know the truth.

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A very new journey…..

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Sitting here in the hospital feeling a little better ☺️. (In case your wondering why I’m in the hospital (day 3) is I have a blood clot in my lung and I’m in heart failure…very bad failure. Ejection fraction should be 50-55% and mine is only 20%. I’m not overly worried about it, I’m here getting the meds and help I need.) So I had an aha moment! I realize that this is my journey and I’m going to share it, maybe it can help someone or maybe not.

I started this blog when I was doing optifast and felt like I needed to share my experience and be encouraging & inspiring. Some how though I lost my way……… I wanted to be sooo inspiring to other people that I forgot to inspire myself.

With that said, I’m going to re-start this journey. I may encourage one person, or maybe none…but at this point in time I need to encourage ME. Here is where I can be myself. Sometimes I regret people knowing who I am because that’s the fear that kept me away. I didn’t want people to…..hmm, judge me. πŸ˜‰

I realize that every time I hit “post” I’m sharing it with the world. The very sad thing about it is, strangers seem to be more encouraging than people I see all the time! But….I just don’t care anymore. I am ME and you can either take ME as I am or keep it pushing. I’m not trying to offend anyone either….I am just trying to be ME. (“Sanging”the Mary J. Blige song lol)

Annnnnyyyyywwwaaayyyyy….I’m sitting here thinking about my life and how I coulda, woulda, shoulda…and realize……that’s a huge waste of time!! (And unnecessary stressor, I have enough, thank you very much).

1. Yes I could have slept with my C-Pap machine 5 years ago when I got it (maybe even 7 years 😳) but I didn’t.
2. Yes I could have kept up with tracking my diabetes.
3. Yes I should have been exercising and keeping my weight down.
4. Yes I should have seen the cardiologist more.
5. Yes I could have taken my meds better.
6. One of my biggest issues….I could have learned to deal with my STRESS adequately!!

And so on and so on….the fact is…I can’t whew I wish to God there was change anything I did yesterday. I can take note of my mistakes and pray not to make the same ones…and to grow from them.

SO having said all of that…today I will: (and only today, not worry or be anxious of tomorrow, Jesus said “Who can add one cubit of your life by worrying about the next day”. Matthew 6:27.)

1. Do my bible reading.
2. Keep track of what I eat. (Write it down).
3. Keep track of my blood sugars & pressure.
4. Enjoy today.
5. Hug & kiss my family
6. Smile

(If you are reading this I hope and pray you have a great Saturday) πŸ™‚

J.Marie

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What I’ve been up too….hmmmm

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What have I been up to?! Hmmmmm nothing!! Absolutely nothing!! The new medication I’m on makes me exhausted all the time… I’ve had a few adjustments and now maybe…just maybe I can be a real girl again & live!!!

I have to be honest with myself and the other 2 peeps that read this I have fallen hard off the wagon & it hurts. Not just my behind from the fall but my ego and my pride…I fought so hard to get to a certain place and then I just gave up….literally.

I know, I know….don’t give up, you can do it…blah blah blah… I’m sorry guys but when you think your about to die the last thing you want to eat is a green vegetable!! So serious about this, I actually HAD to eat sugar to help me feel better…and then the cycle begins.. Eat, depressed, eat, depressed……..sigh, oh well.

No more crying like a baby talking negative..back to being positive..I’ve gained back 8 pounds so I have a small goal to re-lose those in the next few weeks. My body is screaming at me to be a vegan again and I’m listening…no more optifast for me so I have to do like the rest of the world and count calories and exercise and I know I can do it and so can you!!

(For those of you my two followers πŸ™‚ who may not know and wonder why I would become a vegan, please watch Forks Over knifes… I did & it changed my thinking about food and answered my question of why I was feeling so bad kind of like how I feel now and when I cut out all animal products I started feeling much, much better…so there it is…

Hopefully, you guys will stay on this journey with me…and instead of food I have a new passion for makeup and all things sparkly…so I will include some of my work as well as my progress in this journey…. MUAH!!

J.

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It’s been a minute…ok weeks! :)

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Hey guys how are you?? You may or may not wonder what happened to me or where I disappeared to :).

Well here’s the deal…I’ve been in heart failure for 12 years (shock & awe I know) along with the fibromyalgia, diabetes, sleep apnea and on on.

Soooooo….here’s a short version of my long story πŸ™‚

As you know, I was doing well, working out staying on my optifast products…then one day…BOOM!! All of a sudden I’m having these strange pains in my stomach….turns out I’m having problems with my gall bladder (it’s evil & it’s trying to destroy me). Sooo again, after weeks of being in and out of the ER and the doctors office, I see a surgeon who FINALLY tells me YES indeed I need surgery…

I can’t tell you how happy I was to hear that…then I had to be cleared for the surgery, uhh oooh,here comes trouble! I find out my heart is failing again and my heart cannot withstand a surgery 😦 so in short I have to just live with this pain….(until they get my heart functioning better, hopefully).

On another side I can’t be on optifast right now or even exercise 😦 it’s been a long blurry month…I’m on more medications and I’m on oxygen…they’re in the process of getting everything adjusted. So for now I’m extremely tired, in pain and dealing with a lot of emotions, but I always have faith!!! It’s been really hard,but……… I’m still here & I’m still smiling πŸ™‚

J

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Come check out my Facebook page…FacesByJ.Marie

I think this blog will become my sounding board for what in going through…not so much about my weight but my life.